Why I’m Scared To Be A Mom

The reason for my sleeplessness nights

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Lets cut to the chase.

I’m pregnant. This will be our first child and I’m scared. Really scared.

I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night not only with thoughts of parenthood but life in general.

Without further ado, here goes:

I think every expecting parent has this thought especially with the first child and even when we have kids, the question of “Am I a good parent?” crosses our minds more often than not.

I’m not that patient of a person and the sound of a child crying and screaming makes me cringe. Is that normal? Should I start to train my brain to appreciate these sounds that pierce my ears? Or will the sound of my own baby crying and screaming sound like a famously composed symphony to me?

There are so many things I don’t know either. People keep telling me to do this and that and the other thing. Vitamins, prenatal baby classes, midwives vs hospital, bottle warmers, cloth vs regular diapers, formula vs breastfeeding…

I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!

Will reading ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ answer all my questions or will it just confuse me even more?

Am I spazzing out? Maybe. I think I’ll take a look at some prenatal yoga and calm myself down. I don’t want my baby to be a spaz like their mom.

2. Can I really change my path with a child?

I’m no longer in my 20s still searching for myself. I finally know where I want to go and where I want to be. How I’m going to get there is a different story but I finally have a vision and it’s taken me a long time to get here.

I want to teach my kid to follow their dreams and develop opportunities for themselves. I don’t want them to feel trapped and the only way I can do that is to set an example. But a part of me doubts my ability to do this. I want to turn writing into a career but how can I be consistent and work towards my own goals while I have to take care of another human being?

3. Am I too selfish to be a good parent?

Having a child can turn your world upside down. It’s not like being married where you are, in essence, still your own person. I like my routine, my quiet, my freedom, and the path I’m headed.

And I know I’m thinking all about me right now.

I feel like maybe I’m too selfish to be a good parent but does giving my all to a child really the best thing to do? I guess I will learn how much to give and how much to leave for myself as I grow into this parenting business.

4. Will my kid turn out ok?

Or will they become serial killers?

I’m serious.

Am I crazy for thinking this could happen?

I don’t want to end up in the news.

5. Will this be an equal partnership?

We’ve grown up, still in a world, where the mothers are expected to do more and everything while the fathers are merely there when they are needed and for playtime. There seems to be silent understanding (or misunderstanding) that the mothers are the boss and the husbands are the assistants. That’s not the way it should be.

Parents are partners. They even have the same exact letters, just scrambled.

Husbands are not the help and they are not helping when they change a diaper or get up in the middle of the night to feed their child. They are parenting.

The only reason the mothers know so much about the baby is because they are home with them 24/7 for a year or even more and I believe it is the husband’s responsibility to learn the same.

Being a good partner in parenting not only means being a good mom or dad and sharing the load, it’s about being there as a wife and husband.

It’ll be a learning curve for both of us to juggle new expectations but perhaps the best way to balance the partnership is to not have any expectations of each other at all…

6. Money, money, money

I’d be lying if I didn’t include money.

I come from a family where money always seems to be concern. We didn’t have much growing up and my parents always worked minimum wage jobs but they managed to buy a house, support 3 kids and my grandparents with those jobs. We were happy kids and I never felt like I was deprived of anything. If anything, I’m grateful that my parents taught us the value of a dollar. In saying that, I am now also painfully aware of how much emphasis I sometimes put to that value.

I count my lucky stars to live in Canada where maternity leave is a year but I also worry about the extra money that will be needed to keep another human being alive.

At this point, all my thoughts are pretty selfish. I know they’re all about me and how I will survive. Most parents would be more excited than scared for their life when expecting a child. I wish I was one of them but like I said, I’m scared, really scared.

I know I have to keep my expectations at bay; they’re doing more harm than good and they’re keeping me up at night. In most cases, with human beings — new and existing — it’s best to throw all expectations out the door, live in the moment and simply experience the quirks, weirdness, and wondrous minds of the human.

Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to catch some sleep.

If you liked this story, and even if you didn’t, I’d love to hear from you. What are you struggling with?

Living life imperfectly and as creatively as possible.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store